In my last post, you heard about my recent experience catching feelings for a man who was unavailable to me. In fact, if I ever publish a book based on this blog, I might title it “catching feelings for unavailable men,” since that essentially describes my love life.
In any case, this is a story where the complete opposite happened. I found myself in a situation that seems to be happening to me more and more lately – I met a guy who was totally and utterly into me and I just didn’t feel the same.
Of course if that was the whole story, this post wouldn’t be titled “The Train Wreck” so I hope you’re ready for a good one. This whole situation took me back to my teenaged years, and not in a good way…
The Train Wreck
I hate to sound like a broken record, but this story starts with me searching for another POF special just like 80% or more of my stories usually do. By the way, I have since deleted all forms of online dating platforms and I’d be lying if I said it had nothing to do with what happened with The Train Wreck.
At first, he seemed like a nice, introverted kind of guy – the one you could always depend on to be there for you in a time of need. Dependable. Sweet. At least that was the way that it seemed. But of course he turned out to be none of those things, and the red flags were popping up and screaming in my face from the beginning. If there were words flashing through my mind, they were “absolutely not” and “stay the fuck away”, but I didn’t take my own advice. I tried to back out a few times, but he kept luring me in with his sweet words and charming ways.
We texted, emailed and spoke on the phone for about a month before we actually met in person. He lived right down the road from me, but every time we decided to meet I had second thoughts and canceled. He was eager to meet me, but I was already seeing fundamental issues between us that I couldn’t ignore. For example, he doesn’t have a driver’s license and always complained about walking and taking the bus everywhere. I’m a super independent person and I always seek the same in a partner. Plus I can’t stand a grown ass man who whines.
Nevertheless, I decided to bite the bullet and meet The Train Wreck in person against my better judgement. We had been chatting for such a long time that it didn’t feel like a first meeting, and I found that comforting.
The first time that I saw him I wondered to myself if I had been too judgemental. The Train Wreck is one of those guys who makes a girl look twice, mostly because he has a super hot bod. He’s about 5’8″ with wide shoulders, toned abs and a cute butt. The physical chemistry was instantly there for me, and I had a good feeling that I knew where things were headed.
Admittedly, the details are a little hazy on how long it took for us to have sex, but I’m pretty sure it was on our second date. He had told me that he didn’t want us to rush it, but at the same time, he kept making out with me, pinching my butt and just generally acting sexy. Guys – you can’t send mix signals like this and then dangle the carrot in our faces (ha!), expecting that we’re going to have the self control to decline your advances.
I remember it vividly, because we were in the hot tub making out and he told me that he was so crazy about me that it scared him. What I should have done in this moment is recognized the signs and found a way to send him home for the night. Instead, I climbed on top of him, my body pressed against his with nothing but our thin bathing suits between us. I could feel his cock pressed up against me, and was a little shocked at how big it felt. We continued making out while I reached down and slowly wrapped my fingers around him, my suspicions confirmed in one stroke: The Train Wreck was hot AND hung.
In the next moment, I felt him pulling my bathing suit bottoms aside while he looked straight up at me and tried to push himself inside of me, but not before I could pull my body away. I looked at him and smiled “not without a condom,” and motioned for him to follow me inside the house.
Once inside, we made our way into the bedroom, pulling our bathing suits off while he played with my clit which was already throbbing by this point. I remember feeling the heat rise in my lower abdomen, and suddenly nothing else mattered more than having him inside of me.
I leaned down and took his cock in my mouth, sucking and stroking while I could hear him moan in pleasure, wrapping his fingers around strands of my hair. I straightened my neck and took his cock as deep into my throat as I could, which was quite the accomplishment considering how hung he was. But sometimes failure is not an option when you want to give him something he won’t forget, and I managed to take his entire cock into my throat while he pushed my head up and down on it, crying out how amazing it felt.
Everything about this moment was sending my senses into overdrive. I was turned on by everything about him sexually, and I couldn’t wait to feel him fuck me. But as soon as I stopped sucking on his cock, he looked down and demanded to know why I had stopped. I’ll be honest – I was taken aback by how commanding he sounded towards me, and I didn’t really like it, but not enough to shut the party down.
I told him that I wanted to feel him inside of me and he couldn’t help but oblige. After rolling on a condom, he was on top of me, guiding the tip of his cock inside of me before pushing his hips straight into mine, and in an instant I could feel all of him, stretching me and filling me in a way that ached but felt so fucking good. I remember hearing the high pitched sound of my voice crying out his name before everything went white and I could feel the burst releasing deep inside of me, slowly creeping into my veins while the sound of his cock slapping against me filled the room. With blurry vision, I looked down to see his cock sliding in and out of me, covered in my thick white cum, while he moaned “holy shit babe…”
It’s really hard to explain how and why this happens, but sometimes it feels like two people have bodies that were just made for fucking each other. That was exactly how it felt with Train Wreck. Our sex was the kind of sex that left my body aching with a deep satisfaction, like every last possible orgasm that could have come out, did.
In particular, there was one afternoon where all he wanted to do was fool around with no sex. You see, the relationship had been rather rocky (getting there), and he felt as though avoiding sex would somehow fix that. He had my pants down with his fingers deep inside of me, and I could taken it no more. I flipped my body over and pushed my ass up in the air and begged him to put his cock inside of me. With one hand stroking my ass cheek, he put his fingers deep inside of me from behind and stroked my G spot until I started cumming. I knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle it when I told him “feel how wet and tight it is? Imagine how good it would feel to be inside of me.” That was all it took before he pulled out his cock and started pounding me from behind.
Sadly, the connection in our physical relationship didn’t translate to the emotional side of things. Train Wreck was a highly emotional guy who couldn’t really handle dating someone who has a life outside of him. My intuition told me that he was really insecure, but I had no idea how badly that would come crashing down on me.
After the first few dates, our relationship exploded somehow even though I can’t remember what happened. I think he accused me of being interested in other men or made a comment about how I wasn’t very empathetic for not understanding how tough life is for him…
Here’s the thing: I’m a single Mom. I’ve had to pull it together to go to work on less than two hours of sleep because I was up all night with a child who couldn’t stop vomiting. I’ve taken my baby to the Emergency in the middle of the night because life doesn’t give a shit when it’s convenient. The sooner we realize that we have absolutely no control over what happens in life, the sooner we can change the one thing that we can control: how we roll with the punches. To me, this is common knowledge. To Train Wreck, this is like speaking another language.
As a result, Train Wreck and I did not agree on the fact that life is very hard on him. Which of course made me a person who is completely void of empathy, possibly even a psychopath. I’d had enough at that point and told Train Wreck that we were no longer seeing each other, and put the whole thing to rest. It honestly didn’t bother me too much because I was so exhausted from dealing with him and his soul sucking ways. I would miss his glorious cock, but there would be others to cum (… is it just me or am I on fire today?)
It was at least a couple of weeks before I heard from Train Wreck again. Conveniently, he messaged me during a time that things were “off” with the subject from my previous post. Let’s call him Mr. Clueless, seeing as I never did give him a proper name. In any case, Train Wreck had caught me at a perfect time, because I was still wallowing over Mr. Clueless, and feeling lonely enough to succumb against my better judgement. You know exactly what that means.
Train Wreck was back in my bed before 24 hours were up, and what followed was a continuation of the emotional bullshit that had taken place before. I told him that I was going away for a weekend in Vancouver, which was a trip that I had been planning with a friend so we could go to a show. He immediately accused me of having plans to bring guys back to our hotel room, and I almost threw my phone across the room. Why was I wasting my time with this insecure bullshit of his?
It all came to a head one night, when I texted Train Wreck to see what he was up to. He mentioned that he was tired and not doing much, and I told him that a friend of mine was coming by. Again, he accused me of having a date with another guy. Right then and there my heart totally gave up. I didn’t want to feel this negativity creeping into my life, drowning me in constant worry that I said the wrong thing or upset him somehow.
The truth was, the guest that I had over that evening was Mr. Clueless. And even though I never had any intention of doing so, I ended up having sex with him that night. I remember falling asleep wrapped up in his arms, wondering how I could have ever felt anything for anyone else. The Train Wreck had pushed me away so hard, that he actually pushed me into doing something that I probably otherwise wouldn’t have done. I have to say, I think that’s the first time in my life that’s ever happened.
I woke up the next morning to a text from Train Wreck that he had sent around 1am, asking if I had spent the night with another guy. And even though he was always suspicious of me, it still sent chills down my spine, wondering why he was up at that time of night directing that question at me like he knew something. Was Train Wreck actually stalking me?
There was only one way to handle it, and it wasn’t going to be pretty. I texted him back the honest truth, and told him that yes I had slept with someone else the night before. I apologized to him and told him that I never meant for it to happen, but it just did.
**Before we go any further, keep in mind: I had only hung out with Train Wreck 5 times max. We were never in a committed relationship**
I knew he was going to be upset, but I could never have predicted the fury that he unleashed my way, all through text message. He called me a slut and a whore and asked if he needed to run to the Doctor to get tested after sleeping with me. He told me I was disgusting and that he hoped I walked into traffic and died. He also told me that he hoped that I would get AIDS and die. Every question that he asked me, he would address me as “whore.” “So tell me whore, was it good?”
In the back of my mind, I knew that he was simply trying to hurt me because he felt hurt. I knew that his words really meant nothing, and that I had known all along that he was an unstable person. But no matter what I told myself, it still hurt to be spoken to that way. After a massive amount of text messages that went unreplied, he figured that I had blocked his phone number, and things finally fell silent.
There was a part of me that wondered if I should be afraid for my safety. This guy just told me that he hopes that I die… should I be worried? He seemed intent on provoking me for a response that I never gave him. The entire situation felt surreal in a way, because it had been years, if not a full decade, since the last time that someone had spit that kind of hate and fury in my direction.
Of course, the cherry on top of the whole shit storm was that things with Mr. Clueless didn’t end up working out in the slightest. In fact, I just heard from Mr. Clueless again yesterday – still in total denial that friends can’t fuck and have the friendship remain exactly the same. Le sigh…
Okay, I’ll admit… over the past few months since this happened, I’ve been in a bit of a dark cloud. It really did get me down in spite of myself. But sometimes I just feel like something’s gotta give, and I don’t know what it is. There’s a feeling crawling through my skin, telling me that I need to make a change, and for once I’m actually listening to that little voice, hoping to get it right this time. As a result, I’ve been applying for jobs literally everywhere across Canada over the past couple of weeks. Does it seem extreme? Maybe. Or maybe this is exactly what I need to be doing right now, and the little voice inside is the voice of reason.
And no, I’m not trying to get the hell out of dodge because I think Train Wreck is stalking me (although I haven’t 100% ruled it out, either), I’ve just come to a place of acceptance that what I need the most might not be located in the same place as me, and therefore how am I ever going to find it? By handing out Resume’s all across the country like it’s a party flyer, that’s how. Let the chips fall where they may…