Keeping Afloat **Revised

Note: When this story was originally written, I was bitter and angry towards the subject involved, as well as the world in general.  One of the biggest lessons that I’ve learned over the years is that carrying the weight of anger will only drag a person’s spirit down – causing so much more damage than what it’s worth.  Yes, I wanted to be angry.  I wanted to dwell in the victim mentality – believing that life is always against me.  And what would I accomplish in the end?  Would life finally realize that it wasn’t being fair and coddle me with good fortune to make the pain go away?  You already know the answer to that.  Therefore, I’ve revised this story to share with you how I went about healing the pain – and how sometimes all we need to do is acknowledge the emotions that make us human.

 

Keeping Afloat

 

I wish I could start off this next one by telling you that I’ve been staying out of trouble and finding my happiness.  If anything, things have gotten worse since the last time you heard from me, but it’s sure to make for a lot of great stories!  Oh yes, Princess Peach is back with all kinds of tales to tell, have no fear.  Pretty soon you’ll be reading this story and realizing that the thing you missed about me the most is how normal I make you feel.  Because every time you think your love life is a joke, all you have to do is refer to one or two posts in order to realize that it’s actually not so bad.

For those of you who have read most or all of my posts, you’ll know that I started writing this blog just over two years ago, and used it as an outlet to work through my demons to come to place where I could finally date again.  Or maybe that’s something I’ve never mentioned before.  I think it’s like stating the obvious – if you’re one of my readers you would have figured that out already.

Here’s the thing, just because I’m ready to date, it doesn’t mean finding the right person is a simple task.  In fact, it turns out that it’s quite the opposite.  Here’s something that truly depresses me: I’m open to dating both men and women, and the odds are still never in my favour.  This story is just one case in point, but there are many more to come.  Like the time I got called a whore who needs to go walk into traffic a few weeks ago.  Oh yeah, that one is a REAL doozie, but we’ll get to that.

Not too long ago, I was minding my own business on POF, when I suddenly got a message from some guy who was doing the whole “don’t show your face maneuver”, which usually never warrants a response from me.  But for some reason that day I decided to respond, and was pleasantly surprised to discover that he was actually legit.  It turns out that we had lived in the same tiny town in Germany – what are the odds!

The first night we met, he came over to my house and we sat outside and smoked a joint.  The conversation flowed between us and I found him easy to talk to and be around.  Our sense of humour is fairly similar, and he’s a very intelligent guy, which is an essential attribute to hold court with The Peach.  I was immediately attracted to him and I found myself slowly removing my armour the more that we talked.

Our second hang out took place shortly after.  We were laying outside on a blanket, star gaze and talking about how there must be other life in the universe.  The conversation turned into thoughts on conspiracy theory and down the rabbit hole we went.  By the end of the night, I was feeling even more curious about what he was looking for in life and love.  I wondered if there was space for me in his world, although I suspected that there wasn’t.  Even from those first few conversations, it was obvious to me that he wasn’t willing to give too much of himself.

Despite the fact that I trust my gut and know that my intuition is usually accurate, I slept with him on date number three.  It was mostly out of curiosity for me, plus you know how great I am at resisting temptation (*cough cough*).  What can I say?  His intelligence was turning me on, and I find him extremely physically attractive, so it happened the way that it usually does in these situations: a little back massage on the couch, some kissing along the neck and suddenly we’re making out passionately while I feel the heat rising from between my legs.

We went into the bedroom and he immediately asked me if I had a condom which took me by surprise.  I’m accustomed to fooling around for a good 10 or 15 minutes before it’s decided that the sex is for sure going to happen, but I guess this guy wasn’t fucking around – and maybe it’s better that way.

We took our clothes off and he started rubbing my clit, although he wasn’t necessarily finding it.  On a side note – I always wonder if men want women to point it out when you’re just not hitting the spot?  Because it was obvious that he was trying to stimulate my clit, but all he was doing was rubbing his finger around the outside of the hood, which does absolutely nothing for me.  Guys, if you want to truly pleasure a women and give her an earth shattering orgasm, you must learn to locate the clitoris and treat it like a very sensitive button.  Rub your finger lightly back and forth directly on that little button, not around the general area where it should be.  If this means that you need to get your face right in it so you can see what you’re doing, be my guest!  Just don’t forget to use your tongue to flick the little button while you’re down there 😉

In any case, I was excited to explore his body in return, and I’m not just talking about his dick.  I wanted to run my fingers along his ass, back, shoulders, neck and face.  I wanted to breathe in his skin and experience him in this sexual space that we were creating with each other.  I love running my fingers along a man’s arm while he’s using his fingers to penetrate me.  There’s something about feeling the tension in his arms that’s linked to the tension building up inside.

So here’s the thing – his cock was probably average to below average in size, and I was a little bit concerned about it at first.  But the moment that I felt him slide himself inside of me, I knew that it wasn’t going to be a problem at all, and the pleasure immediately rushed through my veins, taking over all thoughts.

It’s something that I’ve never been able to explain, but sometimes men with smaller cocks have just as much ability to make me feel like they’re hitting it deeply, and this experience was no exception to that rule.  I felt myself tighten around him while the deep ache of pleasure caused me to cry out and cling to him while he pumped himself in and out of me.

He leaned down to kiss me and stopped pumping for a moment.  Then he asked “how is your pussy so tight?  I’ve never felt a pussy this tight before.”  He told me that if he kept going he was going to cum too quickly and he wasn’t ready to stop.  I know that I’ve already explained how I feel about this very thing happening during sex, but in this case I’m actually going to say that it wasn’t awful.  Most men who do this end up coming within a minute or two anyway, but he genuinely did manage to last quite a bit longer.

I asked him how he wanted me, and he told me that he wanted to give it to me from behind, so like the obedient girl that I am, I flipped over for him and put my ass in the air, feeling him slide into me and pumping against my skin.  When he started fucking me from behind, he groaned a few times “mmm yeah, yeah” and it was just enough to send me right over the edge.  You see, a man who experiences such an intense pleasure from being inside of me that he can’t help but cry out… holy fuck.  Nothing turns me on more than that, and I felt my body clench down against him while the tension slowly started to release, bursting deep inside of me and I heard myself moaning in pleasure.

He groaned out and pushed inside of me deeper, until he was finished coming.  My skin felt full of electricity and the deep feeling of satisfaction that one always has post orgasm.  We laid together in my bed for a little while before it was time for him to leave.

The next day, I got a text from him telling me that he had a great time the night before, but he wanted to make sure that I knew that he wasn’t looking for anything serious right now.   I texted him back saying that I completely understood, but that I’m looking to meet someone that I can date, so it was probably best for us to part ways.  I didn’t feel upset or sad about it – I knew going into it that this was a very real and likely possibility, and I took that into account when I chose to have sex with him.

A few nights later, he asked if he could come by so that we could chat.  When he came over, he apologized if I had felt misled and he told me that he didn’t want me to think that he was an asshole.  I told him that it was totally fine, no harm no foul – we both just wanted different things and that’s okay.  We talked for a while about relationships and dating, and he explained that since he had recently divorced, he just wanted to be free at this time in his life.  I told him that there have been many times in the 4.5 years that I’ve been single that I had absolutely no desire to be in a committed relationship (if only he had read my blog!), and that timing is everything when it comes to meeting the right person.  We agreed to be friends and left it at that.  I never expected to hear from him again.

To my surprise, I heard from him not too long after that night, and soon he was coming over to hang out again.  Here’s the thing: having sex with someone is one thing, but when you’ve had a heart to heart conversation with each other about how you feel – it changes things.  I felt closer to him because of the way we had talked so openly with each other.  I felt that I had explained exactly where I was coming from, and it seemed to me that he had heard and understood me completely.

So guess what happened?  We had sex again, and it was fucking amazing.  I felt connected to him in a way that I hadn’t felt connected to another person in a while, and suddenly I realized that I had feelings for this guy.  And it seemed to me like he was having a hard time staying away, or at least it seemed like that.  I kept letting him go and he kept coming back – isn’t that a sign?

Here’s the sobering dose of reality that I needed to discover: it wasn’t a fucking sign.  It never is.  And after a couple more times of hanging out and having sex, reality finally set in one day when I told him that I was going to delete my POF account.  He asked me why I was going to do that, and I told him the truth – because I was having fun hanging out with him.  He responded by telling me that he was far too old for me and that I deserved to be with someone young who still wanted to have a family.  By the way, this response was complete and total bullshit, because I’m 99.9% sure that I’ll never have any more kids, and I had told him that.

I pointed out that if he didn’t want to hang out with me anymore that was fine, he just needed to let me know.  He responded by telling me that he didn’t want to hurt me, but he was still actively dating other women.  As much as I could pretend that it didn’t hurt to find out that he was still seeing other people – it did.  Maybe I’m the last person on earth who actually has feelings, but I thought that he and I had something pretty special, and I was wrong.  I told him that I was confused as to what he was hoping to accomplish by dating right now, to which he replied that he was looking to find his 100% match.  And even though he didn’t say it directly, any idiot would be able to read between the lines and realize that obviously he already knew that his match wasn’t me.  Needless to say, I had to let him go again, and this time a little more firmly.  I told him that I needed to back away now that I knew that he was seeing other women.  I told him that I wished him the best of luck finding whatever it was that he was looking for, and left it at that.

Fast forward to a couple of nights ago, when I randomly got a text from him asking if I was free to hang out and smoke one.  I wondered why he wanted to see me, and I was curious enough to let him come over.  When he came by, we caught up on all the typical conversation – life, work, kids, etc.  Then we smoked some weed and decided to watch TV.

At one point he offered to give me a neck massage, which is something that I just cannot say no to.  Neck massages are my kryptonite and he knew it, that clever little fox.  Next thing you know, he’s telling me to come sit next to him while we curl up on the couch together.  The familiar feeling of his body next to mine filled me with comfort and a sense of longing that I forgot was there.  It goes well beyond the issue of sexuality and into the territory of actual feelings – I felt like he and I were a good match when we were together, and I longed for that type of connection with someone that I could depend on.

While I was leaning back into him, curled up in his arms, he told me that I smelled good and made a comment about how nice my breasts are.  I took the compliment but wondered what he was trying to get at.  Why had he suddenly reappeared in the first place?  Was it because he missed me and realized that I was the coolest chick he could hope to be with (true story)- or was it strictly out of boredom?

I got my answer when he got up to leave, and casually told me that he was seeing someone right now.  On the outside, I said good night and showed him out.  On the inside, I felt a part of myself screaming in pain.  There is nothing more insulting than being the fallback girl who is around whenever a man gets bored and feels like showing up.  It’s even more insulting when I had made my feelings 100% clear, and he chose to ignore them and show up again anyways, flirting with me and touching my body like that’s just what friends do.

Now up until this moment, I think we can all agree that I handled the situation with a level head, accepting the fact that he wasn’t interested in me the same way I was interested in him, while letting him go without argument.  But at this point, I was starting to feel like I was being toyed with, and you should know by now that nobody fucks with The Peach and expects to make it out the other side unscathed.

I texted him asking why he had showed up at my place when he’s seeing somebody else.  He replied by telling me that he had just wanted to chat and hang out since we’re friends.  I told him that friends don’t compliment each other’s breasts, to which he responded by saying that he thought since we had slept together before, it wouldn’t be weird.  But that’s just the point, guys.  We HAD slept together before, it had already gone past the point of no return.  I had confided in him the feelings that I had, and trusted him to respect where I was coming from, and he didn’t.

Instead, he chose to show up again in my life to satisfy his own purposes – being in the company of an attractive woman that he could feel comfortable talking to and touching.  Mean while, there’s some other person out there who he’s been seeing, who probably believes that she’s the only one on his mind.  I was infuriated, and I wanted him to know it – but I also wanted him to understand why I was so pissed off.

You see, I have made it my business to come to a place in my life where I can handle myself like a mature adult in highly emotional situations.  Some of you may remember me mentioning my struggle with Emotional Dysregulation, and how it can be so easy for me to blow up when I feel hurt by someone.  When someone pushes me to that level, it’s like a storm takes over inside of me and ALL of the negativity comes firing out.  This can sometimes last for days, depending on how bad the situation is.  Last year something really deeply hurtful happened to me and I felt it in my bones for weeks, but I think that’s the worst it’s ever been.

What he didn’t know was that I had put all of my energy and focus into staying level throughout the entire situation, and I had done a pretty fucking good job at it, but he just kept on pushing me past the point of containment.  I told him that he was a creep and that he had disrespected the boundaries that I had made extremely clear to him, and that’s never okay.  He told me that he never meant to hurt my feelings, and that “all he wanted was to be amongst free people”….

Really?

Amongst free people?  Are you fucking kidding me?

Guys, I want you to listen real closely to this, because I think there’s a lot of people who have their wires crossed just like this guy does, and as much as I don’t want to blame it on the male gender, unfortunately I’m going to have to go down that road just a little bit.  This is coming from someone who has written many posts about how much I love men, so please don’t feel like I’m attacking the entire character of the male population.  Here it is:  it is a huge slap in the face when you behave as though women won’t give you the freedom you deserve, when women have been  enslaved by men for hundreds if not thousands of years.

What it comes down to is that it’s all about you – the man.  It’s not about anybody’s freedom but yours, because what men have failed to realize since the beginning of time, is that someone has to pay the price for your freedom, and guess who’s been picking up the bill since the beginning?  Yep, women.  How is that so?  Because your freedom involves a lot of boundaries and walls that pertain to us.  It looks something like this:

I, the man, would like to form a relationship with you, but here are the rules and boundaries that you will need to accept:

  1. You cannot form any kind of emotional bond to me, because I am my own person and I don’t feel ready to be in a relationship (even though every relationship is some form of relationship, so you’re still, in fact, starting a new relationship).
  2. I’d like to enjoy the benefits of this non relationship that I’m having with you, so let’s have sex and do all of the physically intimate things that couples do together to bond, except you’re not allowed to bond with me.  If you ever get emotional or confused about this, I am going to remind you that I’ve always been honest about this boundary, and since you knew it was there, it’s actually your fault for having human emotions.
  3. Since I’m not actually dating you, it should come as no surprise that I’m still dating other people. But it’s not like I’m forming any kind of special bond with that person, either – so why would you be jealous?  All I’m doing is having a non-relationship with that person that is the exact  same as the non-relationship that I’m having with you, which should serve as a reminder of how ordinary our non-relationship is.  Wouldn’t want you to feel too special.
  4. Of course I don’t sleep with all of my friends, but I’m still going to refer to you as my friend when I introduce you to people.  Despite the fact that I was inside of your body hours earlier.

In the end, you want us to fit into a tiny little cage that allows none of the emotions that make us the beautiful creatures that we are.  Men – why do you like women in the first place?  Because we’re soft, we’re gentle, we’re sweet… and we are all of these things because we are emotional creatures.  But in your world where people are amongst the free, men are able to experience the physical connection that they crave more than anything, with no form of exchange.  You’re simply taking and not giving back.  It goes against everything that I stand for – after all, naming this site “Chasing Freedom” wasn’t because it sounded cute.

So here I am, wallowing in my sadness and wondering if the day will ever come that things change.  Maybe I need to give up the idea that love is still out there for me.  Maybe it’s true what they say about only having so many opportunities before it’s too late.  Regardless of what fate has in store, I would give anything to stop running into people who just want a piece of me.

** This was originally where the story ended.. here comes your revision…

Okay, so I literally stewed over this scenario for about a week and a half before I realized that it was causing damage to my soul.  There was a part of me that felt extremely hurt, yes.  But there was also a part of me that realized that a big chunk of my anger was stemming from the hurt that the feelings I had weren’t being reciprocated.  And whose fault is that?  It isn’t anybody’s.

Emotions are a complicated thing, but as you all know – you can’t be upset with somebody for not feeling the same way that you do.  If it were that easy to find the perfect partnership – we wouldn’t be the broken society that we are today.

It all came to a head when I was on another date, of all things.  I had been chatting with this guy for a little while and our first date turned into a 7 hour mini road trip adventure.  We got to talking about a lot of things on the way – our past relationships, what we want to experience in life and what our recent dating experiences have been like.  To my surprise, I opened up to him quite a bit more than I ever would on a first date and shit got real.  I started telling him about my whole experience with this guy – discovering that I felt things for him, and how it felt to realize that it would never go both ways.

When I finished telling my story, my date pondered for a moment and then asked me “do you always feel like things have to happen exactly when you want them to?”  I was slightly taken aback, but mostly because my answer to the question was yes.  I’ve always been the kind of woman who goes after what she wants and hate hearing “no” as the answer.  I know this about myself – and I figure that the right person for me will accept this quirk.  He asked me “do you think that if you had taken it slowly with him – maybe he could have developed feelings over more time and you’d end up together?”  Hmm… maybe.  Or maybe not, who knows?  But he was making me think about it, and that was all it took.

It was maybe a day or two later when I made the choice to reach out to my former lover – I knew in my heart that I needed to make things right.  I apologized to him for lashing out the way that I did, explaining that my emotions had gotten the best of me.  He immediately accepted my apology and asked if we could hang out.

That night, he came over to my place and we sat outside around the fire for a long time, talking about what had happened between us, how he had never even realized that I had feelings for him in the first place.  He apologized to me – and told me that he realized that he should have been more careful with my feelings, and that he had started to realize that any kind of relationship is still a relationship, and all relationships are complicated in one way or another (it’s almost like he had read my post!).  Our conversation was extremely open and honest – he told me that he didn’t feel that way about me even though he was scared to say so – and I thanked him for his honesty.

Guys – don’t beat around the bush when it comes to how you feel.  Women are such perceptive emotional creatures, we’ll read into every little thing you say and twist it in our favour.  If we have feelings for a man, and if there is any way that he might feel the same way underneath it all – we’ll hang on to that.  But if a man is just honest and straight up says that he doesn’t have those feelings toward us – it leaves no mystery or possibility behind.

It’s a nice clean break, and one that I can really appreciate.  Because in my heart, I still needed to hear him say those words.  I needed to know that there was no lingering possibility of us being anything more than just friends.  Do I still feel that way about him?  Of course I do.  Feelings don’t just fade away in an instant if they’re real.  But as a grown ass woman, I will deal with that on my own terms without putting it back on him.

In the end, the depth of our conversation confirmed to me that he isn’t a terrible person.  I just wanted to believe that he was in order to tuck the whole thing away without dealing with what actually transpired.  It’s easier to say “he’s just an asshole” than “he just isn’t that into me, and that’s okay.”  Do I think that he genuinely likes me as a person?  Absolutely.  In fact, I think he really cares about me as a person and would love to continue being friends.  And here’s how I know that that feelings that I have for him are real – I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not in my life at all.  By pushing him away in the first place, I was pushing away not only the bad, but also all the good that came with it.

Learning how to heal and grow isn’t an easy thing, but I’m determined to do it.  The first step is owning up to my own bullshit and taking it from there.  Maybe it’s time to stop pushing people away and instead just let them be whoever they are when they’re with me, and see where it leads.  I can tell you one thing – the healing that took place in this scenario was much needed.  And now I feel at peace, which is exactly where I aim to be.

 

xoxox

Peach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Dear Peach,
    Welcome back, missed you. Be patient, all good things come to those that are patient. Hugs to you, xoxoxo Darrell

  2. Great to have you back!!
    I was starting to get so angry while reading this, my Italian side was coming out and this guy was going to end up in the harbour wearing cement boots!
    Every post I read of yours I can see yourself growing
    You are such an amazing brilliant woman!

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