Present Day May 17, 2018
I’ve been at this party for less than an hour and I’m feeling bored already. The other Guests are talking and laughing with the kind of animation that suggests that this is the most exciting night of their life. These parties aren’t totally awful, but I can’t help but wonder why I bother to spend hours choosing the right dress, prepping my make up and wearing uncomfortable shoes for something that feels so fake. I would much rather be laying on a beach staring up at the sky and counting the stars. Or maybe in front of my drawing board, listening to Chillhop and bringing my imagination to life with a pencil. Then again, tonight isn’t about me and I remind myself that good friends are supposed to fiend interest in social events for one another.
I’m standing in the corner of the massive sitting room, swishing my glass around in circles and contemplating whether or not I could get away with smoking a joint in the bathroom, when suddenly I see him. He spotted me first and was making his way toward me through the crowd with a mischievous smile on his face. I’m paralyzed with shock while simultaneously aware of the fact that I’m beaming, and I realize that I must look like the biggest idiot in the world right in that moment. Come on Peach, get your shit together and play it cool!
When he finally reaches me, he opens his arms and welcomes me into a hug while I close my eyes and can’t help but notice how fucking amazing he smells. He holds me for a few seconds longer than I expect him to, and when he pulls back I can see that he’s genuinely excited to see me. After all – what are the odds that we would find each other here? “What are you doing here?” I ask. He laughs and tells me that he’s here for the weekend with a friend. I want to ask him if his friend is another lover of his, but I’m not sure that I want to hear the answer. I’ve worked hard to conceal my feelings from him,and I’m afraid to give myself away for fear that our friendship would become awkward or non-existent. I would rather have him in my life as a friend than nothing at all, even if it hurts.
He asks me if I’d like to join him outside, and we make our way to back of the house where French doors lead out to a large stone patio, overlooking the ocean. I’m immediately thankful for the fresh air hitting my skin, and my body starts to shiver while goosebumps appear along my arms. He takes his coat off and wraps it around my shoulders, and I notice that the warmth starts on the inside of my body instead of out.
It’s been months since the last time that I saw him, but our conversation picks up exactly where it left off. He’s a deep thinker with a wild imagination, just like Yours Truly. We share a cerebral connection that I know is incredibly rare, but I’m not sure that he sees it. When I’m with him, it’s like everything around me has a different vibration. The stars shine brighter, the ocean roars louder and my heart beats faster. But I know that I can never tell him this for so many reasons that he wouldn’t understand. So instead, I listen to his stories about what he’s been up to over the past few months while my heart feels grateful for this time that we’re spending together.
He turns to me and asks about my life, and tells me that he’s been reading my blog. I never know how to take it when someone tells me that they’ve been reading my blog. On one hand, I’m excited to hear what he thinks about what I’ve written, on the other hand I feel a level of vulnerability that one can only experience when they’ve bared their soul to the public world. I tell him that something has been changing for me lately, and that I know I’m finally ready to take the steps that I’ve been avoiding for so long. His eyes meet mine and we hold each other’s gaze for a long time before he tells me that he’s happy for me, and he hopes it all works out for the best.
It feels like we’ve been outside talking for hours, and I tell him that I should probably go back inside. We stand up at the same time, and suddenly his face is inches away from mine, and I make the mistake of looking up at him in that moment and seeing exactly what I was afraid to see. He’s looking down at me and I hear a small gasp escape my throat while electricity runs through veins because suddenly I can see him – and I mean truly see him. His eyes are an open window and all I can see inside is the love and admiration that he has for me and it’s enough to take my breath away.
Before my mind has a chance to get a grip, he’s leaning down and bringing his lips to mine, and I feel the smoothness of his lips while he kisses me. His arms are wrapped around me, pulling me closer to him while our tongues meet, and suddenly he pulls back and starts laughing while he looks down at me. “What’s so funny?” I ask. He chuckles again and nuzzles his nose against mine before he replies “that took a long fucking time to happen.” I can’t help myself – I burst out laughing and neither one of us can stop as we stand outside hugging and giggling like small children. Truth be told – his silly nature is one of the things that I love the most about him. He makes me feel like my immature outbursts are completely normal, and that’s a gift.
For a second, my female brain takes over and starts to wonder what this all means. But the thought quickly vanishes when I notice that he’s holding my hand and leading me to come with him. I don’t ask where we’re going, because I know that I can trust him. Instead I follow silently behind him, wishing that I knew what he was thinking while we walked into the house. His hand still on mine, he leads me through the living room, which is almost the same size as my entire apartment. For a moment, I wonder if he’s looking for somebody while his eyes dart around the room, but in the next moment I realize that I’m wrong when he pulls me aside into a small, dark hallway. It occurs to me that he’s been here before, and I make a mental note to ask him how he knows the Host.
At the end of the small hallway, he opens a door and leads me into a laundry room, closing the door behind us and locking it. In a moment, his lips are on mine again, only this time with a passionate longing that sends a wave of shock through my system, and it’s then that I realize that I’m shaking. He stands back for a moment and our eyes meet, and for the one hundred millionth time I’m blown away by how painfully sexy he is. “Is this okay?” He asks. I have no idea how to reply, and instead I stare back at him with what I’m sure is a look of lust and confusion. He smiles down at me and kisses my forehead. “You know that with you and I it’s different – right?” If only I could explain to him exactly how different it is to me.
Despite the fact that I’ve lived a somewhat promiscuous existence, I can literally count on one hand the number of men who have truly ignited the feelings inside of me that I feel in this moment. I know exactly how rare and fragile this moment is, and I’m fucking terrified. I decide to be honest, because I know that if I am, there’s still time to turn back and continue on with our friendship like nothing happened. So I tell him “I don’t want to lose you.” Without breaking eye contact, he replies “you won’t.” He must not understand what I mean. “Yes, but you’ll leave eventually.” He sighs and steps back, and I know what’s coming next. His speech about commitment being unrealistic, and how he will never make a promise to a woman that he can’t keep. I’ve heard him recite this speech about every woman he dates, and I’ve accepted that this is who he is and how he operates. This is also exactly the reason why I’ve always kept myself out of harm’s way when it comes to him.
Time stands still while we stare at each other in some kind of awkward stale mate. I can feel my shoulders tensing as I wait to take the emotional hit that he’s about to send my way, but it never comes. Instead, I look back up at him to see that there are tears in his eyes and when he opens his mouth to speak, the words seem to float right past me in slow motion: “No, I’m not going to leave you. Whatever it is that you and I have, I want to have it for as long as we can. Until we both decide that we can’t, if it ever comes to that. It’s different this time.”
I can feel myself exhale and realize that I was holding my breath all that time. It’s different this time. The words beat in my chest in tune with my heart and I feel like I’m drinking them in and letting them shoot through my veins as I digest the words. It sends a wave of heat through my body, and suddenly the only thing that I can think about is how badly I want to feel him inside of me.
Our lips meet again, only this time with a level of urgency that I’ve never felt before – almost like we’d been both been awakened by the beast within and suddenly everything becomes primal. I’m pulling at his shirt while he slips the straps of my dress from my shoulders and in the corner of my eye I see it fall to the floor. Before I can reach for his belt, he slips his hands into my panties, lifting me up onto the washing machine and ripping them from my body at the same time. He lowers his head between my legs and I feel the flickering of his tongue on my clit and I let out a small whimper. I’ve dreamed of this moment for so long and I feel my back arching while my legs spread further apart, and then he slips his finger inside of me. I cover my mouth with my hand and focus on staying quiet while I feel the tension building deeper and deeper inside, my hand on the top of his head while he brings me closer and closer to release.
My vagina starts to tighten around his fingers while the tension reaches a point of torture and I cry out “babe, I’m gonna cum,” but then I feel him stop all motion. I open my eyes to protest, only to see that he’s dropping his pants – and I’m immediately shocked by the size of his cock. I spread my legs further to welcome him in, and he leans in to kiss me while I can feel the tip of him circling around me, causing me to moan and sigh with anticipation of what’s next.
When I feel his cock slide into my body, everything goes blank in my mind and all I can focus on is the pleasure in his eyes while he looks down at me, his body slowly pumping against mine while he pushes his way in deeper with each thrust. I can’t help but feel a a sense of disbelief that this is actually happening, but then a wave of pleasure washes over me that erases all thought, and I feel myself tensing up once again while the pressure continues to build.
He starts moving faster, his body slapping against mine while my arms cling to his body, when I notice that there is a mirror directly behind him. I look over his shoulder and watch his ass pumps away at me, and suddenly I’m so fucking turned on by the way that he’s moaning into my neck that I can’t take it anymore. I whisper in his ear that I’m about to cum, but the words are barely out before I feel the balloon of tension burst, and the pleasure surges through my veins, filling me with a pure white light. My body continues to girate while my orgasm drags on and on, and I feel the liquid spill out of me while it lubricates his cock, and I can’t help but lean back and let out a deep moan.
As the liquid continues to trickle out of my pussy, I’m slowly brought back to reality, where I’m laying in my bed alone, panting for breath. The only sound in the room is my vibrator, which I must have thrown somewhere between the sheets post orgasm. I continue to take deep breaths while my head spins and I wait for the stars in my vision to pass. When I can feel my heart rate begin to slow down, I reach down to turn off my vibrator and pull my linen sheets over my head while wrapping the blankets around me, creating my own cocoon.
I can’t help but feel frustrated that this is the one and only fantasy that seems to be getting me off lately. I’ve tried watching all kinds of porn before masturbation – which usually does the trick, but not these days. I wish there was some way to force someone out of your mind on command, but of course that’s the beauty of humanity – we’re not computers.
I roll over onto my side and stare out my window, watching a seagull fly past against the blue sky. Even though I know that it’s time to get up and start the day, I can’t help but take a moment to stop and wish that he was there with me. I just can’t get him off my mind.