Bandaid On A Bullet Hole
If you’ve been following me on Chasing Freedom for any amount of time, then it may not come as a surprise to you when I say that I have only experienced true, deep love three times in my life. A number of Readers have taken note that the sound of my narrative significantly changes depending on the emotion, and most readers could easily pinpoint which men made it into my heart. This is true for a number of reasons, the most obvious one being that I hide nothing. I’ve spent many nights crying my eyes out in front of my computer while the words poured out of me like they’ve been hidden for centuries. In fact, there are many cultures that base their religious beliefs around the idea that women carry ancient souls within ourselves, and sometimes I think that might be true. Not because I think women are superheroes (we can do everything but fly), but because when a woman falls deep in love, her feelings run straight to the bottom of her roots.
I can almost remember the exact moment when I realized that I was completely and utterly in love for the very first time. It was so overwhelming and beautiful, because I suddenly realized what my heart was capable of and I just couldn’t believe it. Unfortunately, my love was also overshadowed by the fact that I knew that the feeling wasn’t mutual, and that he was going to be moving out of the country shortly. I have never cried and bled so hard in my life, and I will never forget the deep, searing pain that I felt in the middle of my chest for at least 8 or 9 months after he left. Even though I was able to pick myself and move on after that first experience, I knew that I would never forget the agonizing pain of heartbreak. Therefore, I would do everything and anything that I could in order to avoid it at all times. This includes (but is not limited to): breaking up with great guys for no reason, pushing myself on men who aren’t that into me in the first place because I know it’ll never happen anyways, as well as my personal favourite – dating emotionally unavailable men. I can’t believe that I just gave away my trade secret! Then again, I’m really hoping that I won’t need to use it for much longer.
Anyone who has experienced heart break knows that it doesn’t matter what you try to do to make the pain go away – it’s like putting a bandaid on a bullet hole. Once you let someone in, and I mean really let them in, there’s no such thing as turning around and going back to the way that things used to be. That’s the beautiful and terrible thing about humanity – we change each other for better or for worse, particularly when it comes to love.
Life works in mysterious ways and it can take you by surprise when you’re not paying attention. For example, a few months ago I made a decision to find myself a new play partner, which is when I came across Rocket Man. Ah yes, who could forget the man who is twice my age and has one of the biggest cocks I have ever seen. Sex with Rocket Man felt like some sort of next level experience, and I was feeling rather thankful to have found myself such an incredible lover. The only problem was, he was straight up with me from the start about the fact that he was still in love with another woman. And after experiencing the kind of chemistry that I had with him, I knew that the entire situation had the makings of the perfect storm. And I was right.
You see, ever since our first meeting at the beginning of the summer, I haven’t been able to fully walk away from him, despite his feelings for someone else. At one point, he declared that things were over with her, and that he was available again. And so we continued to hook up, at least for a while. By the time I realized that my heart had gotten twisted up into things, it was already too late. He admitted to having feelings for me and our chemistry could have burnt a building to the ground, but he still wasn’t ready to let his feelings for the other woman go. He needed to see things to the end, he said. He needed to know that there was absolutely no way on earth that they could be together. And as you can imagine, on the inside I felt crushed.
I’m sure you’re wondering to yourself how it’s possible that I managed to get myself so wrapped up in someone when he clearly didn’t feel the same way. But sometimes you meet someone, and you just can’t help it. The the way that you feel when you’re with them lifts you up off the ground and takes you to a place that you thought didn’t exist. There were so many things about him that drew me in. Rocket Man is one of those people who has the ability to light up a room, or make it completely dark depending on his mood. But when he’s on, it’s beautiful. The way he reaches for my hand every time we talk together, or the way that he sneaks grabs at my ass and tits when we’re in public. The last time that he and I hung out, he met me at Esquimalt Lagoon to go for a walk. I was sitting on a bench waiting for him to arrive, when suddenly his face appeared beside mine, and he greeted me by kissing a line up my neck to my mouth. These are the things that I crave the most, the closeness combined with a physical connection that can’t be hidden. I appreciated his candor with me when he would tell me his stories. For whatever reason, Rocket Man has shared with me more about himself in a matter of 2 or 3 dates than what would usually surface in 2 or 3 months, according to him. Maybe it’s because he has my attention, and I respect his age and the wisdom that comes with it.
In any case, you may be wondering if I’m eluding to the fact that I fell in love with Rocket Man. Let me put it this way: I’m like the young virgin girl whose boyfriend is naked and on top of her, and they’re toying with the idea of playing “just the tip.” Yes, I was flirting with danger, no, I hadn’t fallen all the way in yet.
And now you can just imagine how I felt, knowing that he was vying to be with somebody else, and that despite the fact that I wanted him so badly, there wasn’t a damn thing that I could do about it. You better believe that I cried, and I cried hard. These days it takes a lot to twist my heart up enough to illicit a good, solid sob from The Peach, but this was one of those times. There were peachy tears everywhere. The worst thing about feeling crushed over a man that you’re not even with, is that it’s not like you can talk to anybody about what has just happened. You feel it on the inside, but you have no choice but to continue on with the motions of life with a smile glued to your face like nothing is wrong.
Until less than a week later, when I received a message from Rocket Man, explaining that she ditched him once again, and that it’s absolutely through this time. Telling me that he’s available now for whatever, and that he wants to know if I’m still free.
On one hand, the logical side of me said don’t even reply to the message, but the other part of me was the part that had been flirting with danger, and I guess that part of me just hadn’t had enough yet. And soon, I found myself agreeing to meet with him to talk.
We met at the beach, and he leaned in to kiss me but I said no. I needed to talk to him, hear things from his side, and try to make sense of my feelings. I asked him for complete honesty about his ex. I asked him what would happen if she suddenly returned again down the road. His response? “She won’t.” Yes, but what if she did? “She won’t.” Okay, but I need to know that this thing really has been settled. “There is nothing that I can say to convince you of that, you need to decide for yourself.” I found myself feeling frustrated. This wasn’t how I envisioned it would be. He was closed off, didn’t really express any want or need to be with me. It was as though he was strictly informing me of the fact that he was no longer with her, and that if I wanted to come to him I could. And even Rocket Man should know by now that The Peach wants (and deserves) so much more than that.
I want a man who is going to hug me and hold me close, telling me that he’s sorry that it took so long for his other bullshit to be over. I want him to tell me that he was thinking about me, that he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again. I want a man who is going to tell me that he is 100% certain that nothing is going to get in the way of the connection between us. Instead, I had a man who was crying to me that he just wasted a year and a half of his life, and he feels angry and resentful for it. There was no warmth towards me, no passionate connection. It was probably one of the most disappointing moments of my life, to tell you the truth. It was one of those moments where my expectations of “what could be” crashed into reality, causing a flurry of emotional shrapnel. I couldn’t get away from him fast enough, because I really didn’t want him to see me cry. He didn’t want me to go, but I couldn’t let him see it. I didn’t want him to recognize in that moment how heartbroken I felt, not for him but for myself. I was utterly broken over the fact that I had given myself away so easily to a man who didn’t even adore me enough to try to keep me. I drove for about 10 minutes before pulling over to the side of the road, and the tears came flooding down almost instantly. Why was this happening to me again? Why had I been so stupid?
It just goes to show that it’s important to be careful when it comes to matters of the heart. That being said, I’m going to be taking a short hiatus from the page, while I collect my thoughts and keep my focus where it truly needs to be at this time. This whole situation was a close call, and it’s put a few things into perspective for me, as I’m sure you can imagine. Don’t worry, I’ll be back soon…